33reasons mail bag

A question posed by a reader. (Out of respect, names have been changed, but the question has not been altered.)

Good afternoon,
My name is Mark from Florida. I read your Blog and enjoyed it very much. Thank you for writing it. I do have a question that I hope you can answer.
My girlfriend of 3 years with an age of 35 drinks a lot. She drinks when she comes home but not every night. She drinks to the point of passing out when we go out and she becomes very flirty. She also does the white stuff too. (I do not)

The question is this;
Would you trust this person not to cheat when drunk when she is with friends? Do Drunks ALWAYS cheat?

I look forward to hearing from you soon,

Mark





Dear Soul searching in Florida,


Thanks for writing. I think what you're dealing with is a conflict of your own morals. The fact that you're even questioning her fidelity to your relationship is a sign that the way she conducts herself most likely doesn't jive with the way you conduct yourself or feel she should conduct herself. Not to mention, drugs are a sign of major intrapersonal conflict and are most always a pathological environment for those involved. Don't kid yourself, if drugs are involved, you don't want any part of it. I'm sure some younger readers will disagree, but ask them the question when they're older and see what they say then!

Considering I don't know either of you, and there are two sides to every story, I'll instead focus on the things we can control in this situation. That "thing" is you! The most pertinent question one must ask thyself, is "why am I involved in this scenario?" What keeps you in a bad relationship, or in a relationship where you have fear, and in retrospect, brings unhealthy feelings into your life instead of good, healthy ones?

I suspect this ordeal you're going through possibly has more to do with you, than it does her? The answer is never an easy one either. But it's important that we take a step back and look at ourselves, and ask "If I really don't like the way my girlfriend acts and am afraid and not secure, why do I put up with it?" Why don't you find your way out of the pathological relationship, and into a healthy one?

Here is what I would do. Ask yourself some questions about "why" you're in the relationship. Don't be afraid to make a "pro's" and "con's" list. If you can validate you're not filling your own void within the relationship, and love this person. The next step is to talk to them, possibly with professional help as well. In fact, I'd encourage you to reach out and seek professional help in dealing with your feelings. It's a great way to learn about yourself, while learning how to cope with your current situation.

I hope that helps, but having been through this, I learned that although she had a lot of problems, I also had problems. It was my fault for treating myself so poorly and allowing myself to be beat down, instead of only accepting what was in my best interests.

Always remember, nobody can ever make you "feel" anything. Only you have the power to decide how you feel in your heart.

Best of luck!

33reasons